The posts came to Facebook in a nonsensical and alarming fury. Or at least that’s how I believe one of my Facebook followers would have stumbled upon my manic episode in the Spring of 2023. In fact, this episode and a few others just like it that I have had publicly are part of the reason I want to be a part of this great show, Shining Light on Shadows. Let me backup and introduce myself and then we can delve deeper into this manic episode I am trying to describe for you.
I am a 31 year old graduate student studying Computer Science Education and I also have Bipolar I disorder. I think it is important to note that any person dealing with a mental illness is so much more than just their illness, however, in saying that I know that this blog post and my feature on this show is to highlight how I have dealt with this illness, and in my case with varying degrees of success. I have been hospitalized for both depressive and manic episodes. And if you had asked me about this, just my psych hospitalization recidivism rate, in the past… I would have definitely felt shame in revealing that I have been hospitalized over ten times.
I have come to accept this and have even made an interactive story out of some of my mental hospitalization experiences. (This interactive story, like much of life, is a work in progress).
I will discuss my experience with Bipolar 1 Disorder on a new show launched by Neil Parekh and Dawn Helmrich Neuburg, “Shining Light on Shadows: A Candid Conversation About Mental Health.” You can watch the live show Thursday, September 26 at 7pm ET / 6pm CT OR the recording on Facebook, Twitter*, LinkedIn, YouTube, Instagram* and Neil's website.
*We won't know the exact urls for Twitter or Instagram until we go live. For now, those links go to Neil's accounts.
The onset of my Bipolar I disorder was not clear at first. The first signs of the disorder, in my case, was a severe depression around age 19; which led to my first hospitalization and first doses of an antidepressant. Then around my first attempt of senior year at School of Visual Arts (SVA) where I was studying Graphic Design in 2015, I had my first major manic episode. I wish I could provide definite insight into why this occurred then… I think it was a combination of factors: I was going through a major breakup and I was just not on the lookout for any signs of mania: like sleeping less, rapid activity, and grandiose thinking… it just wasn’t even in my mind as something that could happen to me… And then I was on the streets of NYC throwing my phone and keys in the garbage and believing that everyone around me were actors– like I was a part of “The Truman Show”. And then I ended up at Bellevue Hospital.
It was around Halloween time, I remember because there were scary movies on the TV and as soon as my new psych meds kicked in… and I realized everyone around me were not in fact actors… I got really scared about everything going on there. And I think that is an unfortunate part of these stays at psych hospitals– sometimes I would need to be re-hospitalized just to deal with the trauma experienced in the last hospitalization. Or I would cycle from mania into depression– part of my depression stemming from the disbelief that that had just happened to me and “how could I ever live a normal life after going through something like that??”. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time to younger versions of myself and give myself a hug and tell them that with time and therapy things will get better.
I could recount every manic and depressive episode but then I think we would be here a while. I however would be remiss if I didn’t recount what has been effective in combating my Bipolar Disorder symptoms and that has been staying on top of my medication, in tumultuous times: keeping a diary card, going to therapy and trying to be as open and honest as I can in that setting, and leaning into my supports when I need them.
I am very lucky to have a supportive family who did not give up on through the ups and especially the downs. I like my current therapist and psychiatrist, which I also feel lucky about because that is not always the case. I am unsure of how to end this post other than to say that I hope you can view those struggling with bipolar disorder or those who seek out psychiatric hospitalizations through an empathetic rather than judgmental lens…we’re all here just trying out best.
I remember once reading a tweet which read “I’m embarrassed by everything I’ve ever said or done and yet I can’t shake the will to keep living” and I think of that tweet often; especially when a trigger or memory brings up something I said or did during a manic episode and it helps me to remain resilient.
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