I knew from the time I was seven years old that I wanted to be a mom. I had a rough childhood and I knew that I wanted to raise a child with all the love I had within me. That’s why when I got married I wanted to start a family right away.
When we found out we were pregnant I was over the moon. I loved that child from the minute that little window on the test was positive. I stopped every bad habit I had immediately and began the regimen of taking prenatal vitamins, drinking lots of water and paying attention to every single thing I put in my body.
After the initial 12 weeks we told EVERYONE! We were so thrilled and wanted to share our joy with the world. At 14 weeks I started feeling some cramps and spotting. I had heard that sometimes that can happen so I called my doctor and he got me right in for an ultrasound. My husband and I were hopeful that some bed rest was all I needed and everything would be ok.
We will be covering more than one topic on Episode 22 of “Shining Light on Shadows: A Candid Conversation About Mental Health” Thursday, January 23 at 6pm CT / 7pm ET. Melissa Ludtke is our guest. She's an author and journalist, sharing her story about clinical depression for the first time in 30 years. It was tied to her feelings about motherhood. Neil Parekh is my co-host. You can watch the live show or the recording on Facebook, Twitter*, LinkedIn, YouTube, Instagram* or Neil's website.
*We won't know the exact urls for Twitter and Instagram until we go live. These links go to Neil's Twitter and my Instagram.
It wasn’t. At 14 weeks my baby's heart had stopped beating and we were told the pregnancy was not viable. What does that even mean? This was my baby, not just a pregnancy. The doctor told us not to worry, we could always try again. I was devastated. I had to have a D&C done to remove the baby from my body.
I felt it was all my fault. I knew it had to do with being raped and the scar tissue that I had in my body. It had been seven years since the rape and everything was coming back to me in a very heavy way. I couldn’t go to other people’s baby showers and no one seemed to understand why I was so devastated.
We did try again, three more times and each time I had a miscarriage. I was completely numb by the third time. Even though I was just as sad, and probably sadder each time, I stopped feeling. Protecting myself from the pain of losing a child.
My depression was pretty grave at that time and I felt like I was never going to be able to have a child. I found a fertility specialist and he knew exactly how to help me and assured me that they would do everything they could so I could be a mom.
After four years of trying I got pregnant for the fourth time. I was scared and honestly not very hopeful. I had experienced so much pain and heartache that I couldn’t allow myself to be excited. But the fertility drug had worked and this little girl was going to come into this world with spunk, energy and give me a run for my money.
When I finally realized that I was going to have the dream of becoming a mother come true for me I then became terrified that one day I would have to tell her what happened to me…. But in that moment that she was born and every day after I have never been happier.
January 23rd marks her 24th birthday. I still remember the babies I lost AND I cherish the fact that I have two beautiful, healthy, happy children and I know that all that pain and heartache led me to being the mother I am today.
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